So, since I’ve been at uni, I’ve lost; my student card, my expensive necklace, my pride, my dignity, my sanity (apparently), and who I am. Anyone seen any of that?
I only really get hugs when I see my friends from home or my boyfriend; where I’m used to having them 5 or 6 times a day.
I still feel more alone up here than I’ve ever felt down south, and I miss everything about home. I miss the crappy little train to watford, I miss London buses, I miss oyster cards, I miss knowing exactly who I am and where I belong.
And it kinda feels that know all my friends have got jobs or gone to uni, we don’t really have time for each other any more, and it’s not as easy to talk to them now as it was. When we’re all together at home it goes back to being great again, but while I’m up here it feels like we’re isolated from each other. I know that if I really really wanted to, I could call them all and they’d put off everything to help me, but I can’t expect that of them - not for something this silly.
But god bless my boyfriend. He has helped me through everything while I’ve been here, he’s been my rock and my crutch, and I don’t know what I’d do without him. I feel awful, because I lean on him so much, but I don’t know what else to do.
I tried to keep it in, and pretend I was ok. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, like I felt like I was part of something here, when I know I’m not. Then last night, I admitted it to myself, and I felt ok with it. I felt like it was my fault I wasn’t involved, like I was a bad person. But last night, I realised that I have friends down south and a boyfriend who loves me - I can’t be that bad, right? The, drunkeness prevailed, and I shouted my revelations throughout my flat, and it became time for a “chat”.
All she tried to do was make me feel better, I know that. But I’ve never felt worse. So I cried, and apologised, and cried some more. Then I had a shower, got dressed, and left.
I came back 45 minutes later with wet feet and dry shoes.
And the hardest part of it all is admitting how I feel.